Sunday, December 14, 2008

celebrity overnight

So I got compared to Michael Phelps again the other day.

By "again" I mean that this happens every so often. I mentioned before that I work a "part-time" (39 hours a week instead of 40?) job at a grocery store, frequently as a cashier. Yes, I know, it's as exciting as you might think...applications are available at the customer service desk.

Anyway, obviously means I have to interact with the customers and keep them entertained while I'm scanning items. Sometimes they're pretty quiet and the conversation goes nowhere. Others, they're enthusiastic to answer my boilerplate questions but it really doesn't go beyond that. Some piss me off, haha. But some actually keep me entertained.

This was one of those cases. This particular customer, a woman probably in her 30s or 40s (I'm a terrible judge of age), stops me before I'm even able to say "How are you today?" with "Has anyone ever said you kinda look like Michael Phelps?"

"Well, actually, yeah, that's happened at least a couple of times before."

"I don't know what it is, you just do. Do you swim?"

"No, not really."


"Oh, well, thank you, I guess."

I wasn't sure what to think of it at first. I've done some research since then (which was a horrible task of course, haha) and maybe could see what she means. She was probably looking at the smile, nose/ears, eyebrows. Maybe the hair, a little bit. But I'm in no way going to have the problem of people stopping me on the street, yelling "Hey man, where are your gold medals?"

It definitely wasn't the body, which I thought was the part that most people actually find so damn hot about him. So I wasn't sure if it was a compliment...not that I necessarily want middle-aged women to hit on me. But I'll go with it anyway.

Now to work on making me looking like that...right. Should be easy?

(p.s. copyright owners, don't kill me! just ask and I'll remove whatever you want...honest!)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

i'm back i'm back

I wonder if anyone exists that (might) read this anymore. I know I had to delete several blogs off the list on the right...oh well.

So it's been 11 months and I suppose a lot has happened. I'll give you a quick update in terms of relative importance:

I graduated from college!

Not that there was much concern that I'd finish, but it's actually over. Even though I might have earlier said I was ready to be done and over with it, I probably would have taken that back in May. Due to a series of events (including a couple of keggers hosted by me and my roommates), I got really close with a lot of people during Senior year. So, naturally, it was tough to face the reality that I probably won't see a lot of them again. College ended up being pretty awesome, but I'm still not sure if the time where I was actually away at school was better than the times I was at home during the last four years. Either way, I'm happy with it.

Now, about putting that degree to good There are some complicating factors (see bold line no. 2 below), but I hope to actually achieve that someday. It might be tough to break into the biz, though...tough economic times are bad for television, too, and media companies large and small are trimming staff. A somewhat hilarious example job posting I saw recently: A part-time on-camera meteorologist who would be paid a non-negotiable $8.50 an hour. That's basically what I make as a cashier at a grocery store! In the end, it's nothing for me to worry about for a little while, because...

I got braces!

Awesome, right? What more appropriate way to celebrate really, truly being an adult than by getting some metal glued to your teeth? To make a long story short...I've needed to fix something wrong with my mouth for a long time, and this was actually the best time to do it. The problem was probably less debilitating than the braces themselves (and def less noticeable), so I had some second thoughts shortly after getting them. But, things are going well and ideally everything will be completely done by New Years 2010.

But, man, how do kids put up with these things? Maybe I just like to complain...but they're pretty annoying. The last few months of adjustments haven't been too bad in the braces-rubbing-up-against-mouth-causing-pain-department, but it still makes eating much slower. And the amount of food that gets stuck in them is actually pretty hilarious. Again, it's really not bad, just a little frustrating sometimes...but I've more or less gotten used to them.

I got some action!

Haha. Oh man. I had a pretty good run going during late Summer. I'll go into more detail about them in another post, but basically I messed around with a cheerleader and a track athlete (with different results) and was this close to getting with a guy who I later discovered is in videos from Corbin Fisher. Oh, and then there was the short med student, the guy with awesome abs, the really closeted frat boy, the dude from NYC...well, those weren't hookups but interesting interactions anyhow.

Well, I think those are the three major points that are relevant to this blog. I haven't made any further progress on coming out, and it kind of took a backseat thus far in 2008 in spite of the urging of some online friends. So that's somewhat a disappointment, but I'll get there. Maybe soon...otherwise, the Hawks turned out to be pretty awesome in football, my job is kind of boring but gets the bills payed, my social life is also kind of boring but miles ahead of what some of my friends who are still in college are doing, and it's really fucking cold here and I hate it.

So yeah, I teased about the action and I'll get to that. Maybe later in the day after I've slept some. I'm going to actually try and blog at this thing some more. Again, does anybody still read? I get occasional random hits on here...let's take a roll call.

To reiterate a long-ago post, ways to contact me more directly are...

Yahoo: cpt40522
AIM: I have it...but you'll have to ask for it ;)

Catch you later!


Wednesday, January 9, 2008

clean slate

First off, thanks to those of you who wished me a happy new year (same to you!). My New Year's Eve (why does everyone abbreviate it as NYE all of a sudden?) was fun but not extremely out of the ordinary. Since I still like to be sparse on the details of my personal life here, I'll leave it at that.

2007 was, overall, a pretty good year. 2008 will likely be a pretty good year, if everything goes to plan. I'll finally be done with school, which is something I've been looking forward to for years. A lot of people don't want to let go of their life in college, but I was ready to even before I got here. I'm ready to move on and get on with my life. I don't like being in this state of pseudo-flux where I live in two places (home and school) in a year, so it'll be nice to land somewhere for a while. Where and when that will happen is to be determined.

I'm not going to make any sort of resolutions for the year, because I think they're pointless. No offense to those who attempt them, but it's really just a good way to set yourself up for failure. If you don't succeed, then you can just try it again next year (see: diets). I'm not sure what I'd even resolve to do...obviously promising to blog consistently won't work (hasn't yet!), and I wouldn't overreach so far as to say "I resolve to be out this year." Not that I'm against setting and reaching goals, but it seems like most resolutions end up being about improving your character. You shouldn't need an excuse or a timeline to be a better person, you should just do it.

I'm really not usually this bitter, just a little bit tonight, not even for a particular reason.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

giving it another shot

Alright, so my first foray into blogging didn't hold up too long. I wonder if I have any readers left. Oh well, today begins round two!

Main excuse for letting things go silent for so long: School! That was a vicious end of the semester. Basically, after Thanksgiving, it was all writing papers/studying/exams. There was very little time to do awesome things in real life, much less blog about them. Luckily things turned out pretty well with all that (except one incident with either a malfunctioning alarm clock or a crazy sleep-deprived me...jury's still out on that one), and it's all over. Only one more semester to go! Whoo!

Old business: About that workout plan I hasn't worked out, yet. My lack of motivation and (same old excuse) lack of time has stopped me from even trying the simplest attempt at improving how I look. Maybe since I don't have much desire to do it, I'm happy with what I've got. Then again, almost anything could always be better. I might try to start that up again, especially now that I should have more time on my hands. We'll see. Any motivational tips? Or even more exercise tips in general, if you've got 'em.

New(er) business: Remember my story about Manhunt, et al.? Well, my re-registered name on there gets logged into a lot by me, but I still don't go through with anything. I never deleted the login for my hometown, and there are a lot of hot guys on there. I'm still too gutless to meet up with any of them, though, mostly because:

a) Even though this is a larger town than where I go to college, it's still kind of small and I know lots of people in it. Still not out, so that helps to explain my timidness.
b) Hookups still seem weird to me, but, hey, we all get horny...
c) I'm staying at home with my parents over break, so that throws a wrench into the idea a little.

So, no sex for me. Not like that's a change, anyway.

I haven't taken any more steps towards coming out to anyone yet. The issue is finding a good support base in someone, somewhere. I'm not sure if there's any urgency for me to achieve this step yet.

Why? Well, my career goals include being on television. I'm not sure yet how big of a deal this is, really. Though I'm not sure how to go about figuring that out. Maybe someone who writes one of those blogs I list on the right would know more about that...maybe I should ask.

At the moment: Awake so late because I'm up chatting with someone, and there was just some loud noise in/near my house. I looked around and couldn't figure out what it was. Some kind of thud. It freaked me out! So I'll probably be up for a little bit.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

what's going on

Okay, so I've been really terrible about keeping up on this. Now I know what it's like to be on the other side of a non-updating blog. I'll try to do a little better in the future.

What's been holding me back: School, mostly. Professors here seem to like to pile up exams/assignments right before a break, and Thanksgiving is pretty soon. So I've been a little occupied by that.

But serious thanks to all of you that have commented on my previous posts, and others who have been reading. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that, and I'll try to take some more time to make it worth your while to come back.

In the meantime, in case you somehow missed it, check out this interview with former Minnesota basketball player Zach Puchtel, which I originally found posted by V.Jay over at Paint the Blog Orange (which he probably found somewhere else, but you can try to follow the links back on your own). The guy makes a lot of sense in what he says, and I really respect him for what he did. Always good to see someone else who's on the "labels just limit you" side.

Now that reading that article has got me feeling good again, time to go study some more! You can imagine my excitement.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

the new workout plan

(Kanye West reference intentional)

Sometimes when I stand in front of the mirror, I spend a little time thinking about what I could look like. This doesn't mean I don't like what I see, I'm actually pretty comfortable with my body. But do I think it could be better? Sure.

The thing is, I've never really been into exercise purely for the idea of exercising. I have a pretty incredible metabolism still at this point in my life. I can essentially eat what I want and my weight won't change, maybe a few pounds up or down. And while I don't hit the gym or whatever, I don't necessarily sit around all day, either.

There was one moment years ago where I went to the pool with some of my brother's friends. They'd probably never seen me with my shirt off before, and at least a few of them said something like "you could look pretty hot...if you tried", though I think it was mostly a joke which was somehow a compliment at the same time.

The closest I ever really came to being on a workout regimen was way back inbetween 7th and 8th grade. A few of my friends convinced me to go with them up to the high school (that I'd eventually go to) every other day or something to lift weights. Seemed like a good idea, and I didn't have much else to do, so I went for a while. At first, it was fine, just doing some lifting. Then we started running pass drills, and I realized I had stumbled into summer football camp. Oops! I didn't want to make the commitment to be on the football team, so I stopped going.

Throughout high school, I didn't do much except play my favorite sport casually and go to PE classes every third day. I didn't gain weight, and I was in okay shape in terms of endurance. I actually was able to beat one of my teachers in a mile race after I challenged him, which was nice. The summer after I graduated, I had a job that was somewhat physically demanding and played a lot of ultimate frisbee, so I was in (to that point) the best shape of my life.

Freshman year in college I became really lazy and out of shape, which is probably normal for a lot of incoming freshmen. I sort of got back into okay shape over the summer, and I tried to carry over that momentum into the fall of my sophomore year. I had a good pair of running shoes, so I took up some light running. Just a mile and a half (in no slower than 10 minutes) every other day for about a month. Eventually it started to get kind of cold outside, and I lost the motivation to keep it up. So, I went back to little physical activity, and got out of shape, etc. You can probably start to see a pattern here...

It was this past summer where I actually felt I was in pretty awesome shape. I mean, not in terms of being ripped or something (far from it), but I was able to run hard and keep it up for a really long time. It felt good to know that I could keep up with other people around me if I had to.

Since then, I've gotten lazy again and most of my exercise comes in the form of walking to class. Since I live off campus, it's either 2 or 4 miles walking each day, depending on if I go home during the middle of the day. This is where I stand:

Yes, I realize that I'm really white. I just kind of am naturally, and I don't take my shirt off in public really ever. Ideally, I'd like to get more muscle definition and just generally stay in the level of being in shape that I was this summer.

So, how to achieve Keep in mind that I'm really pretty lazy and need some kind of motivation to do exercise. Also, I'm probably way too timid to go to the gym here at school, at least certainly not by myself. I could maybe convince one of my roommates to go, but that might be a longshot. I'll probably just start out by doing situps and pushups for now, and my roommates have some free weights that I might take advantage of. How much will this actually do for me? I don't expect personal trainers to be reading this, but any helpful tips you can give me would be great.

Wow, this was an incredibly vain post...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

i'm on the hunt

Obviously, the anonymity of the internet provides a fairly safe place for someone like me to explore about their sexuality a bit (like this blog). There's a variety of sites out there that I've registered on over the past few years, so I have some experience at those. Let's take a kind of lengthy (and sometimes lewd) look back at my online gay escapades...

I think I first registered at in my senior year in high school. I mean, it was okay for someone like me, and allowed me to look at the "personals" on there. I didn't go into the chat room, or really do all that much with it. But it was there, and gave me a little information through their articles and whatnot. But it didn't really feel like I belonged there that much, so I eventually stopped going. I hadn't really made an attempt to contact people on it, so it wasn't doing much for me anyway.

Flash forward a few years to my sophomore year in college when I started going to XY again. I actually made a legitimate ad this time! I think I even used a face pic and everything, though the ad was listed in the state where my school is rather than back home, so I wasn't too afraid about anyone stumbling upon it and recognizing me (they probably wouldn't anyway). I also made up a new AIM name and put it on there, which some people contacted me on. I was surprised by the number of people from my school who were on there. After talking some guys on there for a while, I eventually met two of them.

The first one was a nice guy who wasn't looking for a relationship of any kind. He just came over to my dorm room and we talked for an hour or so about random stuff. He was pleasant and the conversation was all right, but, being the first gay guy that I've ever sort of interacted with as an equal, I was a little weirded out and essentially didn't take it any further (including just a casual friendship). I feel kinda bad about that, because he was nice and I'm sure would've been helpful at the time. Oh well...

The other guy was in a frat on campus. We had lunch together in the cafeteria (imagine how nervous I was, for no real reason). Again, really nice guy, and I think he was maybe looking for something more...but, again, I kind of chickened out and really didn't take it much further. He was still in the closet at the time (I think) so it would've been tough anyhow.

Around that time, I think I stumbled across Manhunt. Back then, you could view full-size pictures and pretty much have all the "full access" features. So, it was pretty neat, because I could look around for hot guys and at least entertain the thought of eventually hooking up. I didn't do much with the account for maybe a year, because of the available guys nearby, I either wasn't too interested in them or neither of us had a place to meet up (I had no car, and not enough definite time without the roommate).

Step forward again in time to the fall of my junior year, and I started logging on to Manhunt a lot more at school. Eventually, I started making some frequent contact with a guy that goes to my school and was in a similar situation to myself. We talked on AIM quite a bit, discussing what stuff we might like to do and so on. He never really had any pics available online for some reason...but we agreed to meet up in public (coffee shop on campus). After an awkward first contact (remember, I hadn't seen his face before), we sat and talked for maybe an hour and a half about various subjects. Pleasant enough first meeting, and this time I kept talking to him on AIM afterwards.

Eventually, there was a day where I knew my roommate was going to be gone all afternoon. So, he agreed to come over that day after I was done with class. We didn't know ahead of time where it would go, but he did give me my first shot at a little experience with another guy. Details since I'm sure you all like them as much as I do...I was really nervous. I'd been thinking about it most of the day (getting hard on and off), and after a little bit of awkward small talk ahead of time, we got down to business. We agreed to just jerk each other off, and actually had to flip a coin to see which side we would sit of each other (we both use our left hands in spite of being normally right-handed). I think I won the toss and elected to receive the left hand treatment. So we got naked and sat down on my bed. Since this was sort of my first time with a guy and I was totally nervous, I came really fast. It was great, though. It took him a little longer, but I eventually got him to cum. We cleaned ourselves up and then sat and talked for a little while, and he eventualy had to leave. Just about immediately after he shut the door to my room, I jerked off again quickly thinking about what had just happened.

We continued to talk every so often after that, and saw each other around campus occasionally, but he was a freshman, and we were each busy with our own lives. As far as anything further sexual...though I was excited about the first time, the further I got from it the worse I felt about it. It was fun and exhilirating, but it felt really empty. I mean, there wasn't too much physical attraction there (he wasn't ugly or really unpleasant except bad teeth, but otherwise just kind of plain), and there wasn't any emotional attachment either. Just sort of going through the motions to get felt weird and cheap to me. So, in spite of wanting to experiment more (and various states of horniness) I decided to swear off any more hookups with anyone. For a while...

In the middle of winter the same year, there was a night where me and the same guy were both up late in our seperate rooms. I was bored and horny, and his roommate was gone for the I ended up going over there again the middle of the night. We got naked again and sat on his bed and started to jerk each other off. We eventually stood up and rubbed our cocks together (something I'd seen in porn and thought would be hot) but returned to the bed next to each other and jerked off. He asked if he could go a step further, and then he started to suck me. I hadn't been that into what we were doing yet that night (it was late and I was already tired), but this felt pretty great. He was good at it, sliding up and down, and it wasn't long before I was cumming all over my stomach. I then focused on jerking him off quicker, and he came hard onto his stomach and chest. We cleaned up and then I went back to my dorm because I wanted to get some sleep.

When I got back, I decided to take a shower. While I was washing off, I started to feel kind of sick about what I'd done. I felt cheap again, and kind of visualized how it was a little disgusting that I let someone with bad teeth take my penis in their mouth. So, I again decided to give up hookups...

...until this past summer. Honestly, the guys on Manhunt back home are much hotter overall, and some of them seemed into me. I really was turned on by this one guy who was really cute, and he seemed to be into me. Unfortunately, he pulled up and moved out of town really suddenly and we didn't get a chance to meet up. I really regret missing out on that. Otherwise, there was one particular day where my family was out of town and I was pretty horny. I talked to a guy in his mid-20s on Manhunt and after trading some information, I decided to go down and meet him. He really wanted to suck cock, and I really was in the mood to let him do it. I went to an office in a building downtown, sort of darkened when I went in. I had a brief moment of doubt, but he came out of one of the back rooms, and we went to his own office. I sat on a nice leather couch, and he started to rub me through my shorts. He unzipped them, pulled them down, and started to stroke me a little. Not long after that, he started giving me a pretty vigorous blow job. The guy at school was good, but this guy was much better. He kept it up until I shouted I was ready to blow, and he took his mouth off and I had a pretty powerful orgasm. We chatted a little bit while I cleaned up and then I got out of there. Again, I felt a little cheap, but I was more concerned with beating my parents home so I wouldn't have to come up with some excuse about where I was. Granted, I could've said anything, but I don't necessarily like lying to their face.

Since then, no other real-life encounters with online guys. I deleted my manhunt account at school, but just reregistered a new one while writing this post. Not a lot of new guys on there, but there is one guy who I had my eye on before I deleted it. Not sure if it's the right move, and I'm probably not ready for something more meaningful. So, this one is probably just for browsing purposes only.

Is this something that most guys like me go through? I realize some people are more into it than others, but I wonder how common it is. Would I do things differently if I could go back? Almost always...but it's probably been a pretty good learning experience.

Sorry about not posting that much. I have a lot I want to write about but don't always have the time. More soon, though!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

welcome both you and me.

Hey, what's up? This is my first attempt at blogging. I've been inspired by other blogs like Micifus (which is unfortunately gone now) and that one from Zagman, among many others. This seems like a good way to sort out things that are on my mind that I don't feel comfortable (yet) talking to other people about. So, I'll probably keep certain identifiable details pretty vague to protect the innocent (me included), otherwise I'll try to be as unfiltered as possible.

About me: I'm a 21-year-old man going to college out of state from my home. I'll say that it's a fairly conservative/religious school in a fairly conservative Midwest state. For a while I questioned coming here, but in the end the academics outweigh whatever other negative aspects I see about it. Plus, I've made some good friends here. Otherwise, I think I'm a pretty normal, straight-acting guy. I like sports (especially college), TV, movies, etc. etc. I don't know, I've never really liked describing myself, so if you want to know something about my likes/dislikes, go ahead and ask.

As you might have guessed from above, I'm gay. Well,'s more complicated than just black and white, and I don't really think I like to stick myself into a label and be constrained by it. Let's put it this way: The first time I went looking for porn on the internet, I looked at guys (nothing hardcore initially). I'm attracted to both guys and girls, but really moreso to the male side. I guess I just like to keep my options open...but this is all really the purpose of this thing, to work this kind of thing out.

I'm not out to almost anyone in real life, excpet the few encounters I've had (more on those some other time). I grew up in a very liberal city, and I'm sure the people I know would be understanding about it. But, I am nowhere near to getting that far along. Someday, I guess. But I also kind of wonder if I'll ever be able to "fully" come out because of what I want to do in life. Again, vaguely: I'm going to be on television.

If by some really strange coincidence you know me and figure out who I am, I'd like it if you actually contacted me so I know what I'm dealing with.

About the blog title: Yeah, I guess it's from "Amazing Grace." I don't know why, I'm just not creative with titles. When I write a paper for school, I usually save the title for last...and it's usually the hardest part.

About the poster name: I'm not actually named Tiger, and nobody has ever called me that. Aside from maybe when I was really little, but every boy probably gets called that by someone, right? I just made it up when I registered this blog, mostly because I was watching the LSU/Auburn game when I was doing it. I love college football, and I'm not really a fan of either LSU (but they have been fun to watch this year) or Auburn or any other SEC team (in fact, my real favorite team beat their SEC opponent in bowls the 2 out of the last 3 times they've played). Nor am I really a fan of Tiger Woods, or anywhere close to being half as good as him at golf. So, the name is meaningless, but anonymous. I like it.

So, that's it for my introduction. Thanks for reading, however you found this. If you want to contact me more privately, try these:

Yahoo: cpt40522

Otherwise, please leave some comments if you have something useful to say. I'd love to hear them! Later!